Regular Old Canoe

Remember that phase of my life, not so long ago, before I used weekends to sew but after I spent them on rollerblades, when I insisted I’d settle for a buddy with a canoe because apparently, anything above a paddle boat was a standard high enough for me. Well, now I’m sitting here with two canoes, a ridiculously unjustified amount of self-respect, and a resurgence in my illogical belief that you should never settle for anything…not even canoes. Especially when you can get two yourself. And especially when you live in Minnesota where the greater portion of your friends have access to boats with motors. But you boat buddies, as cute and valuable as you are, are not my focus. Today, at least.
I have two canoes. The aluminum is the one I am going to use because I already hate the other one for exploiting my incompetence that remains relentlessly intact. This aluminum guy is actually not a guy, just a regular old canoe that’s 17ft long, meaning—if he it stood up, it would be 3ft and 3in too big to fit under the bridge on HWY 100N by HWY 7. I am not in love with it, don’t plan to be, and I will make sure it is only described as wet from the river and not by a dramatic, metaphoric rendition illuminating my own sweat and tears. This canoe will not get a name even though history suggests boats, more than any other mode of transportation, get names. It will not display a flag. If I allow a flag, then I’ll risk succumbing to the company of a plant, or stickers, and before you know it I’m paddling down the river in a canoe with doll heads glued on the side, growing tomatoes, looking like the exact thing I’m not trying to be. A doll killer. A mess. A hippie. If you really want to know, I’ve spent a good portion of my boat rides analyzing the way the owner treats their boat because when I anticipated winning a boat from my sweepstakes entries, it was important to me that I look like a natural. And owners who keep their boats crisp and clean instead of allowing Krispy Kremes is the side I definitely want to be on as a new boat owner. It’s more stoic, I feel. So my canoe will be cool and clean but nothing special which is fine by me. I’m not looking to settle on a stupid canoe, anyway. I have my eyes on a MasterCraft now. But first I still need to get those sunglasses, which by the way, I found a way to get myself…but that’s for another day.

Clearly, the canoe already lost my attention. But just know, I have one…so my fear is gradually increasing. I’ll get over it! Invite me boating!!!


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